December This month, the Maverick astounded the philosophical world with the following statement 'Isn't it incredible that we know what the sun looks like but we can’t look at it'. Got involved in an e-mail conversation with Fellows about the much-anticipated shopping trip to buy the Maverick’s Christmas Party outfit one lunchtime. Fellows What you planning to buy on your shopping venture tomorrow? Maverick Not really, probably try and sought (sic) out my f**king mobile. Fellows Shag that, buy a new outfit! Maverick F**K OFF I'm not forking out for a new hand set. Fellows I never suggested you would you bell-end, I suggested that you buy a new outfit! That is as in clothing! Maverick F*k (sic) off! Eventually the Maverick did undertake his annual retail adventure on the afternoon of the party with the assistance of several 'personal shoppers'. Knowlesy was initially quite exasperating (at one point saying 'I don’t want to look modern') but eventually saw an ensemble he liked on the window of River Island. The outfit consisted of a jacket, plain white T-shirt and jeans. He tried it on, liked it and bought it (£84.98 on his Switch Card in total, expect a fraud claim any day soon!) - Except for the plain white T-shirt as he said he already had one. Everyone begged him to ensure he wore a plain T-shirt and even got the counter assistant to assure him that only a plain white T-shirt would make the outfit work. Knowlesy arrived in a navy and white patterned T-shirt and explained that 'it's f*cking white, okay!' A collection was passed around the Office and eventually reached the Australian legend. Despite his recent property windfall, Knowlesy seemed reluctant to part with a little spare cash for charity. Using his incredibly sly brain Knowlesy produced a five-pound note from his pocket and said 'sorry, I haven't got any change'. The plan was slightly flawed, however, as the collection of pound coins had resulted in their being a surfeit of change available. When he was offered the change, he said 'don't worry' turned to the person next to him and borrowed a pound. The Maverick strolled over to Paul Nipples and asked where he can find letter templates on screen. Two days later Nipples received a visit from another member of staff asking me why he hadn't passed any entries and passed me a copy of the letter signed by "Paul Nicholls - Team Manager". After deducing that he hadn't actually written the by deciphering the scribble that Knowlesy had attached to it, Nipples headed off to quiz the Renegade. It transpires that Knosley had, in fact, written the letter and posted out in Nipples' name, as he couldn't figure out how to delete and retype the name at the bottom of the letter. When he was asked why the customer hadn't been refunded he said "ahh, I know why the customer hasn't been refunded, I must have forgotten to refund him". The following day Nipples received a call from our Bolton Centre asking why he had sent a refund request letter to them when he could have sent it straight out to the Customer. It was of course the same letter as completed by Jon Malcolm Andrew Knowles. Sat in drinking den 'The Royal Mail', Knowlesy pointed to a bottle of Smirnoff Ice and requested 'get me a bottle of that faggot sh*t!' then drank some 'faggot sh*t'. He also refused to use it to make a turbo-shandy, as he didn't want to get too wrecked. The 'Aussie' Hard-Man spent a morning in December regaling his Corporate colleagues about his collection of pets from his days in Indonesian. He described it as being 'like living in a zoo' (bit like the way he treated Ron Bunce's house, then). The Maverick Zoo consisted of dogs, cats, parrots, a chinchilla, ducks, rabbits, quayles, parakeets, a gecko, a kingfisher named Coco, some rabbits (one of which was killed by one of his dogs) and two grey squirrels acquired from 'a family friend who was being deported'. Sadly he can't remember the names of his squirrels, but he did describe them for us: 'one was f*cking awesome and would nibble at your fingers, but the other was a f*cking bastard who'd rip your arm off!' He also paid tribute to the Fiji lifestyle with the words- 'you never need to have a shower, if you start to get a bit sweaty you just dive in the sea! When asked about the Knowlesmas Party, he evaluated it thus: "The food was okay, but the party was a bit bland". On the night, however, he had described the soup as 'f*cking first-rate sh*t!' Told Fellows how he 'almost blew myself up when I was p*ssing about in the garden throwing petrol on a bonfire. You’ll have to ask Jimmy he f*cking loved it!' Bunce recounted the story as follows: A Christmas Tale - Starring Jon Knowles. On Sunday morning the 7th December I awoke on a bright crisp winter's morning. Due to my father's recent illness I had decided today would be a good day to have a tidy up at his house. My wife and I arrived to find Knowlesy slumbering on the sofa in no fit state to help out, as he'd been relaxing after playing rugby the day before. As the weather was fine and dry I elected to take on the jungle-like back garden. I made a start and before too long I was surrounded in piles of wood, leaves & ivy. With nowhere to dump the various pieces of timber and plant life I elected to burn it. By this point Knowlesy was 'helping' me, and with the suggestion of a fire, he became very excited. He became more excited still when I suggested PETROL to get it going. I returned 10 minutes later with £2 of petrol doubting the wisdom behind this. I began spreading the fuel out sparingly, as obviously I knew how flammable petrol was, and I had a few goes, but bottled it. Knowlesy, sensing that I was a pussy, offered his help, which I unwisely accepted. Using all his Bushman experience he started stuffing paper in between the wood and ivy, he then soaked the whole thing in petrol & with a rolled up copy of the Times (also soaked in petrol) started flicking his lighter. I said "Jon that's not a wise move" but too late. There was a great whooshing sound as the petrol blew up in the Maverick's face and flames shot up at least 20 feet in the air, this in turn knocked Jon off his feet and he dived away shouting "F*CKKKKKKK!" Shocked at what I had just witnessed (but trying not to laugh) I checked that the Maverick was okay. He turned to me with his hair sticking up everywhere, singed orange hair and eyebrows, and even his stubble hadn't escaped. He looked dazed and confused. "Are you alright Jon" I said, "You got a fag?" he replied. Claimed that he hadn't had a drink whilst watching the England Rugby Teams parade on TV as it was on in the morning. Later contradicted himself by stating that he had p*ssed before they had seen the Queen. On a particularly fragrant morning after, Knowlesy was offered the use of a can of Maverick deodorant that is kept in Fellows’ office for emergencies. He replied 'why the hell would I want to do that?' Took 4 days, 13 hours and 15 minutes to read an e-mail. Didn't bother to reply. Was invited to the Corporate team Christmas meal held at Pizza Hut at 12pm one lunchtime. Upon arrival Mr Knowles announced that he was going to the cash machine and would be back in a few minutes. The Maverick failed to return to Pizza Hut at any point during the next hour, having peered through the glass and failed to spot the fifteen people seated at the other end of the restaurant. He then returned to work shortly before 1 o'clock (whether he waited outside for the whole hour or not is a mystery). Replied to an e-mail about his petrol bonfire incident with the phrase 'Long live the state of Liechtenstein!!' Bemused Mrs Bunce during the following conversation Lisa Jon, can I have James' gloves back that he left at the house last weekend? Knowlesy Funnily enough I’m wearing them today." Lisa eh? Knowlesy I thought they were mine He then went over to Bunce and gave him one glove back. Paul Nipples saw Knowlesy in the rest area at work. After initial pleasantries had been exchanged, Paul asked him if he was ok. The Maverick replied "I'll be glad when it's the weekend" and then in the worst Welsh accent Paul says he's ever heard said "I'm bloody knackered I am". Disconcertingly, Jon has taken to talking to himself recently seemingly unintentionally. What is perhaps the scariest thing of all is that when he talks to himself, he has taken to adopting a fake American or Irish accent (it is difficult to tell which). He was subjected to a Psychological Test, which asks you to choose your three favourite animals and the reasons why. The reason for this is that it tells you how you see yourself, how you want others to see you and how others do see you. Knowlesy sees himself as a bird, he thinks that he can get out of trouble easily (oh really) that he can fly and that he can look down on people. He wants others to see him as a dog because he is loyal, he won’t sh*t all over your house if you train him properly and if you throw a stick for him he will fetch it! And finally, Knowlesy thinks that others see him as a tiger because he can kill and he doesn’t take any sh*t! Hilariously when asked the third question (how he thinks others see him) he said 'A rabbit … because it’s cute and, er, … f*ck the rabbit!'. The Maverick hasn't tried the Internet yet, when asked why he said 'it's too extreme!' When sat in Pat Kav’s he was observing a conversation between Fellows and The Beast. Clearly this bored him senseless as he chose the slightest pause in the conversation to bellow 'Bull Sh*t!!!' for no particular reason and to no-one in particular. The Maverick, if he were given the opportunity, stated that he would put 'cold weather' into Room 101 but (when he was informed of the possible implications i.e. the entire world being submerged when the polar ice cap melts) changed this to 'Deforestation'. He denied that he was just angry about the 'deforestation' currently occurring on his scalp. During a Knowlesmas Moseley Knowles, the Maverick appeared with a swollen hand and a painful shoulder. It didn't affect him too much, as he was able to carry substantial rounds and gesticulate wildly to emphasise both 'no worries' and 'no drama'. As the night wore on, however, it seemed to become increasingly painful for him as he was wincing unconvincingly and grasping it in apparent agony over and over, even rendering him unable to climb into a barstool without being shown how by Fellows. It didn't, however, prevent him from raising the previously paralysed arm above shoulder height to point at a blue coat when a passing girl enquired 'Have you seen my black coat?' At one point, the Maverick froze in fear and asked 'has anyone seen my coat?' Helpful onlookers obliged by suggesting he looked under his seat and other random places, but to no avail - becoming increasingly frantic, he looked everywhere without success until (as a last resort) he tried the pile of coats on the seat next to him. Thankfully and somewhat unexpectedly, his coat turned out to be on top of a pile of coats next to him! Claimed that his shoulder was so painful that he couldn't breathe (later in the month he would claim that he was in so much pain with his shoulder that he couldn't sneeze). On the Knowlesmas Moseley Knowles, the Maverick enlightened Johnny English about his nightlife. Macca What time were you out till last night? Renegade About midnight. Macca Where did you go? Renegade Home. Funnily enough his arm was undergoing a temporary recovery when Webby slapped him on the affected shoulder and said 'Alright Knowlesy?' and he forgot to wince. Stumbled towards the exit of O'Neills stating that he had to go to get a taxi home because of his shoulder-ache. We only have his word for this - and he has been known to make things up about his routes home in the past - but (although he thought about it for a considerable length of time) he claims that he ignored Fellows' advice to 'get a taxi into Town as it’s easier to get a cab home from there!' This night was also the first occasion that anyone can remember the Maverick telling a joke. Not only this but it appears to be a joke that he had concocted himself. The Maverick silenced everyone and said: 'Where did they find Saddam Hussein? In the Blues trophy cabinet!' As everyone looked at each other in stunned silence, he then added 'because it’s f*cking empty!' by way of explanation. Although this may be the worst joke of all time having little meaning, no punchline and making no sense on either a literal or surreal level, it did manage to keep everyone giggling for a few weeks. Mr Pearson was asked how Knowlesy was on the Monday morning following the Knowlesmas Moseley Knowles and replied 'battered and bruised, but quite capable of disappearing at our busiest times' Following a relatively prosperous period for Aston Villa, Knowlesy asked 'what are they doing, paying blind people to play against them?' (Do not understand why this is in here, as clearly a stupid comment that is not funny - Ed  ) Following a night when he described himself as having 'struggled against Jack Daniel's … and lost!' Knowlesy obviously needed a little pick-me-up. Just after 11am, Mr. Knowles reached into a brown McDonalds bag and removed a Sausage and Egg McMuffin. He then opened one packet of ketchup and spread this all over said muffin. This in itself is not especially remarkable until you consider the fact that he had started work some three and a half hours earlier. "I wasn’t that hungry before" he remarked, before settling down to enjoy his cold and greasy breakfast. On this particular morning, I asked the Shoes how the World’s Greatest Living Australian was behaving and he replied: All Knowlesy did this morning was say 'No Worries' at the top of his voice several times, he interspersed this with 'Absolute B*llocks' in his Welsh accent for variation! Under the subject 'Reminiscing with JMAK' Fellows sent an e-mail requesting items for the Review. In order to excite Knowlesy as the presentation of the Review was drawing ever nearer, Fellows copied Knowlesy into the e-mail. In a quite unprecedented turn of events, the great man was the first to reply with the following Review Item: For the first time ever I tried a vodka martini (shaken not stirred) whilst watching 'Dr No'. Class or what?'. Fellows could only reply 'Everything about you reeks … of class'. Knowlesy’s response to this was: 'Hallooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!' with a random clipart. During December, the Maverick admitted that his Dad (Graham Knowles) 'Sounds p*ssed' on his recorded home answering-machine message. He also took his mother, Joy Knowles, on what he described as a 'mini bar crawl' in Salcombe during the Christmas holiday. It is not clear whether this involved crawling around inside a hotel mini-bar, as yet. In each of the last two years the Renegade Banker has been awarded a Performance Mark that indicates that he has over-performed. This year he has been awarded a mark that indicates that he has under-performed. Knowlesy is especially aggrieved at this and feels that his mark is a result of sexism (even though his Managers in each of the last three years have been female). He apologised to a Customer for getting confused in a way that only he could: "Sorry about that mate, I'm already dreaming of the pub!" Knowlesy wasn’t particularly feeling like a Wizzard when he said 'I'm glad Christmas only comes once a year, I don't think my body could take it'. But it’s good to know he doesn't overindulge during the rest of the year. Birmingham CSC held a festive trivia quiz this year and one of the questions was: 'Who wrote the classic Children’s story "The Snowman"?' Knowlesy’s guess was Stephen King. The Maverick was teased following the last Moseley Knowles for being unable to last the pace (you may remember that he stumbled off looking for a taxi, claiming that his shoulder hurt). The particular used to describe him was 'pussy'. When Fellows e-mailed him to tell him that he was a pussy, the great man replied 'MeeOuch!' In the Sunflower Lounge on New Years Eve, Knowlesy approached the bar to get his round. Spotting that Carling was £1 a bottle, he said to Horton 'what do you want, Carling?' Stu replied 'no mate, I'm on Stella' Fearing for his bank balance, Knowlesy said (in a vaguely desperate voice) 'I thought you liked Carling!' but Horton held firm and told him 'I do, but tonight I'm on Stella'. Knowlesy went to the bar and ordered Horton a Carling. A couple of hours later the Maverick was looking ropey and decided to call it a night (although less unpredictable people do tend to stay out beyond half past nine on a New Years Eve!) he declared that he was going to 'get a few tinnies and go home' before wobbling off out of the Sunflower Lounge and into the night. The Renegade Banker’s final Maverick act of 2003 was indeed to go home, but (rather than buy a few tinnies) he bought himself a bottle of Bargain Booze’s finest own-brand Navy Rum on the way. Apparently he awoke in 2004, with the bottle of Rum unopened on his chest. Well done Jonathan Malcolm Andrew Knowles, No Worries! | 
